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“Hello. A table for..?”


Wrench mind back from phrases arrived at on the walk here. Try to look normal.


“Um. Just me. One.”


Smile. Do I look weird? No. Everything’s fine. Nonchalance. That’s the key.


Sit down. Take out computer.


“Oh, um. Just a coffee.” That I will eke out for 1hr and a half. Do not expect eye contact, after this initial exchange. You might ask if I want another and I’ll be embarrassed into saying yes, and then I’ll get a sort of caffeine sweat on.


OK. Good. Table. Chair. Lap top. Where was I? How do you rip a man’s heart out? Would you have to lever up the man’s ribs? Would blood get in your eye? Hmm


“Oh, right thanks. No, no sugar.” Smile. Don’t look weird. Shit. Angle, laptop screen down. She'll think I'm some sort of weird heart fetish weirdo. OK concentrate
So if your sword is in a man stomach, does it slice cleanly or catch? What does it smell like? Can I imagine dead Viking intestine spilling out? Um. Maybe they do black pudding. That might help.


I should have gone somewhere more hipster. I could have got inspiration from the beards. A fight on a beach between lots of beardy men.  Do hipster beards look enough like Viking beards to be of any use? How would blood stain a blond beard? Id I’d been at that place in Bermondsey, I could have gotten a hipster to dip his beard in some organic cherry and kale smoothie. Then chucked some quinoa at it to be like the sand.

I’m procrastinating. This is definitely procrastinating. I recognise the signs.

“Sorry? What did you…? To eat? Um. Have you got any granola?”

Dickhead. Cos that’s going to help you write a big scary Viking battle scene. Fucking granola. If there’s any excuse to have a fuck off big sausage sandwich with brown sauce, this has to be it. OK, concentrate. How do you rip out a man’s heart? Have I decided? Jesus. I'm actually writing some words. Woo-hoo! Look at this. My fingers are moving. Words are appearing. I'm going to make it big. This is the one, this...

“Oh, cheers. Um. No, thanks.”

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Crunch, crunch.
“Can I have the bill, please?”








 


Comments

This should be really a good violent battle scene in a nice café)

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06/01/2016 12:06am

In this world, violence is the worst thing that we could ever have. It is pretty much what suck the goodness and life out of us. Violence is something that some people tend to consider that will finish or end their troubles, but then again, violence is something that will just stir up more troubles and violence. It is like a parasite that will steal, kill, and destroy your peace and joy. Let us take a stand, and put a stop to violence for it is not good in our lives to be violent. If somebody asks you to be violent, the most best thing to do is to smile, like nothing happened, and to show him/her the goodness of life. Engaging in violence will just make things worse for everyone.

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07/14/2017 11:42pm

I don't have an office or a co-working space where I can write. I think battle scenes are easy when in a cafe because I just imagine all the other people here ganging up on a group they dislike. Maybe the cups and teaspoons can be humanized. They can form an army and also march and attack the others. You see all you have to do is use your imagination.

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07/10/2017 12:42am

This is a really funny piece! I think a cafe is not really the best place to write anything so violent. A nice quiet library or a quiet room at home would be a nice place to get an idea of the scene you want to write. Cafes tend to be happy and relaxing. It can also be distracting sometimes. There are also some really nosy people who would peer over your laptop and read your work which can get really annoying. Anyways, nice job on writing this piece!

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